Do The Thing!

I’m a procrastinator. It’s in my blood. I consider myself great during last minute rushes – I’d go so far as to call myself a fucking whirlwind of accomplishment during those moments.


This lady gets shit done.

The following scenario is NOT one of those moments.

Me to self – There are dishes in the sink.

Self – Just do them later

Me to self – But they’re dirty and I don’t want to attract bugs, and if –

Self – Oh look the new season of New Girl is on Netflix. Let’s watch it!

Me to self – Well, I guess they can wait a little while. Just one episode though.



1 season of New Girl later

Me to self – It’s getting late and now I have all these dishes to wash, and I need to eat something which means I need to dirty more dishes which means I have even MORE dishes to wash than I thought.

Self – You should have just done the thing

Me to self – but you said-

Self – I would have done the thing

Me to self – but you’re me, and I didn’t do the thing.

Self –   Oh hey this documentary looks good, let’s watch it!

One of two things will happen at this point. A. I do eventually get the thing done. B. My boyfriend will see the dishes and do them while I scramble internally for a self-justifying reason as to why the house looks like someone drove a car into it (hard to do without a car sitting in our living room). usually it’s B.


car in livingroom photo
If only

Me to self – He’s looking at the dishes.

Self – Stay cool

Me to boyfriend – I was just about to get up and –

Self – If you just did the thing earlier this wouldn’t be happening

Me to self – But you stopped me from doing the thing. Hey let’s watch New girl, hey let’s watch a document –

Self – He’s doing the dishes, let’s finish that documentary

Me to self – Fine.

It’s at this point that I end up too ashamed of myself to enjoy any type of recreation. I’m a lump of disappointment and regret.

This poor, pitiful bastard right here.

Self – why aren’t you enjoying this documentary

Me to self – I’m a terrible adult. I should have just done the thing and now he did it and I feel bad because I sat here all day doing nothing when that would have taken 10 minutes.

Self – I would have done the thing